a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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