Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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