The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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