Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize