dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
