I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
