Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
