Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
