I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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