i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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