I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I stole a fireplace last night.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
