and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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