I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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