He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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