I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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