I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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