I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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