dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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