I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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