I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize