you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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