She said her name was "party"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
