So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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