Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
