That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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