Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
