Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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