Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
