This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
