Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Never underestimate the power of titties
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
