More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize