i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm always down for nudity.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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