My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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