drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
