How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
