You smell like stripper and shame
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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