No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
