when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
