I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
