I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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