soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
