I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
