my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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