Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
