Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Randomize
