Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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