So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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