just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize