Where did you get a picture of my penis
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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