Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
