just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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