so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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