I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Randomize
