I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
