he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Be still, my beating vagina.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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