did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
