He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
