Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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