The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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